Of Men, Madness and Mousetraps
by Spunkz the wacked out Spaz
Summary: Evacuate Earth! The Mousetraps are Advancing! And the only people who can save the world are...Dun Dun DUN Sirius Black and his Mental buddies! Including Snape! I'll say it now, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
1. Mousetraps introduced

Of Men, Madness and Mousetraps  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, J.K. Rowling does apart from Cas, the raving lunatic down the road, and the mousetraps, which belong to Cas.  
  
Dan Quirrell (A/N why the…heck shouldn't he be called Dan, tell me that!) was not happy. He rushed down the corridor, swearing to himself  
  
*Dirty thoughts!*  
  
He rounded the corner and burst into the Gryffindor common room (A/N Yes, he's in Gryffindor, any other stupid questions?) where another fifth – year was transfiguring his quill into a mangy old sock. (A/N…DON'T ASK!…)  
  
"I can't believe you, James, you're a prefect and you're playing around transfiguring a dirty old SOCK when you should be doing you're potions essay!" Lily Evans was shouting across the room.  
  
"Aw, c'mon, Lil, it's Saturday, for Pete's sake! Get in touch with your wild side!" James protested.  
  
"I wish you wouldn't say things like that, James, you're gonna drive me crazy!" the voice of Remus Lupin the werewolf, came from somewhere around the bed.  
  
"And you aren't already, Huh?"  
  
"No, you are. Who in their right mind would transfigure their quill into a sock?"  
  
"Who in their right mind would hide under a bed?"  
  
"Point taken!"  
  
Dan's anger was forgotten in his astonishment.  
  
"J-j-james?" He stuttered. (A/N I know he fakes his stutter, but this is my mental universe *Muahahahahaaaa!* Oooookay, what was that? Moving swiftly on…!) "Where are Sirius and P-p-p-peter? And why's R-r-r-remus under the b- bed? And why's L-l-lily in here?"  
  
"Sirius and Peter are in a food – hunt, Lily's in here on my invitation, and Remus…" He gave the space under the bed an odd look (A/N who wouldn't?) "Remus is hiding from the mousetraps, or something strange."  
  
"Don't tell me you don't know what damage TAMEO has been causing recently!" Said the voice under the bed.  
  
"T-t-tameo?" Wandered Quirrell.  
  
"The Anti – Mousetrap Enslavery Organisation." Explained Lily, the only one taking Remus seriously.  
  
"Mousetraps have decided to stop trapping mice, for some reason, something about only getting fed rotten cheese, but if they don't kill you or brainwash you on first sight, the try to mate with your cat/dog/bed/leg/teacher/potions book/etc. I know, because one of them tried to mate with Rala (A/N Rala is Remus' cat) so I stood on it, and now they want revenge." Remus told them. Just then, Sirius and Peter burst through the door, carrying and sackful of cakes each.  
  
"Grub's up!"  
  
Remus crawled out from under the bed.  
  
"No meat?" he asked Sirius.  
  
"No meat."  
  
"Aw, crap!" And he crawled back under the bed.  
  
"C'mon, Remus, they're only cauldron cakes!"  
  
"My point exactly. Wolfie isn't satisfied with the 'no meat, what is this crap, you pansy' business. I'd end up eating one of you. Besides, it's his week next week."  
  
Dan felt the anger rising in him again.  
  
"D-d-dammit! P-professor S-s-serrint told me t-to do TWO rolls of p- parchment instead of one b-b-b-because of my s-stutter!"  
  
"He's unfair!" whined Peter (A/N Don't whine, you scrawny backstabber!) "The only reason he makes fun of your stutter is because you're not good at potions and you're not in Slytherin." (A/N Yuck, who'd want to be?)  
  
"That no good, slimy, greasy, low down, half – mental PILLOCK!" yelled Sirius.  
  
"W-w-well, I'd better g-get started!"  
  
Dan went into the other room to get his books.  
  
"Arrrrgh! Nooooooooo! Damn M-mousetrap! G-get off my P-potions book! Aw, S***!!!!!!! 


	2. What the f***s goin on in the Slytherin ...

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters OR Cas, the mental loonie OR the damn mousetraps that everyone in this story's on about!  
  
While Dan Quirrell was being abducted by a mousetrap in the dormitories of Gryffindor Tower, things were not going all that well down in the Slytherin Dungeons.  
  
"Where's Avery gone, I need to speak to him, as in, really, really damn quick!" Whined Lucius Malfoy (A/N This guy is whining King. If one more person whines in this story, just ONE MORE!)  
  
"Dunno" came the replies of Victor Crabbe and Henry Goyle, the two most stupid gorillas in the world.  
  
"I think the mousetraps got him as well." Replied Mark Lestrange, possibly the evilest person in Slytherin House.  
  
"We really need to see Dumbledore about these bloody mousetraps, I don't know why the author's put them in." said Severus Snape.  
  
(A/N None of your business, Sev!)  
  
"You are not gonna call me 'Sev' all the way through this fic!"  
  
(A/N Say's who?)  
  
"Say's me!)  
  
(A/N Well, I'll have to stop you saying it then.)  
  
And Sev was temporarily struck dumb, while Lestrange, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle wondered what the hell was going on.  
  
The Slytherins made their way up to Dumbledore's office, and once they were there, yours truly (a.k.a the loving author) decided to be kind and loving and gave Sev his voice back.  
  
"About time." Grumbled Sev.  
  
(A/N I'm writing this fic, so SHUT UP!)  
  
"Shutting up."  
  
(A/N Thankyou, finally, and now, on with the story.)  
  
"Is there a problem, Mr. Lestrange?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
"Yeah, our dorms have been overtaken by the marauding mousetraps, and they've caused both Martin and Blaise to jump out of windows."  
  
"Well, we'll have to move you, then. The way I believe it, there are some spare beds in Gryffindor Tower."  
  
Lucius Malfoy had a heart attack and died on the spot, the whining bastard. Sev glared at the ceiling because the kind, loving author had killed off three of his best mates.  
  
(A/N That's what you get for whining excessively in this fic! Or arguing with the author, for that case!)  
  
And the two reluctant Slytherins had to choose between 100% certain death, or 99.9% certain death (at the hands of the mousetraps, who mated with you first.) They chose the 100% one.  
  
"I'd rather have the 99.9 one with the mating." Said Sev  
  
(A/N you're having the 100% one.)  
  
"Why?"  
  
(A/N Because I said so, and it's my fic.)  
  
"You utter bitch!"  
  
(A/N Do you want to lose your voice again?)  
  
"Not really"  
  
(A/N well SHUT UP THEN)  
  
He decided to shut up, and the two made their way to Gyrffindor Tower, and certain death…  
  
There, it's a bit of a cliffhanger, but I hoped you liked it. Please review it and tell me whether or not I should write chapter 3! 


	3. A charging rhinoceros and the first mous...

Disclaimer: Surely you know this already? O.k Idontownanyofthecharactersinthisstoryasihaveexplainedintthelasttwochaptersth ankyouverymuch!  
  
Sev and Mark weren't happy. They rounded the corner to Gryffindor Tower, when suddenly Mark stopped.  
  
"Where are Crabbe and Goyle?" he asked.  
  
"Ask the author." Said Sev angrily.  
  
Mark looked at him as though he was mentally deprived (A/N Which he was, but we haven't got to that bit yet!)  
  
"Uh, I mean I haven't got a clue in hell!" said Sev hastily. Mark still looked at him as though he needed urgent treatment.  
  
"I'm going downstairs to get my broomstick, I may not be back up in a while." Said Lestrange suddenly. (A/N He just wanted to get out of the company of the psycho standing next to him!)  
  
Sev entered Gryffindor Tower, where we left off in Chap. 1.  
  
"Is there any reason why Quirrell's yelling something stupid about mousetraps in the other room?" he sneered.  
  
"Yeah, he's being abducted by the killer mousetraps." Said James without looking up from his quill, which he had now, for some REALLY strange reason (A/N Hey, I told you all the characters are mad now or soon will be!) transfigured into a mousetrap, and that quill-mousetrap was now trying to abduct him.  
  
"I did warn him about them." Said Remus Lupin, who was STILL under the bed. (A/N I know, I know, he'll come out, soon.)  
  
"Anyway, why are you in here, Slytherin Psycho?" asked Sirius.  
  
"Because our dorms have already been taken over by the mousetraps. Lucius, Martin and Blaise are dead."  
  
Suddenly Dan came running out of the other room with a blank expression on his face. (A/N Like Goyle's)  
  
"Are you ok? You look like Goyle" (A/N I just said that.)  
  
Remus crawled out from under the bed and looked at Dan.  
  
"It's no good, he's been brainwashed by that bloody mousetrap!"  
  
Dan proceeded to go and stand by the window. He was actually wondering which side of it to jump out of (A/N That's what the mousetraps give you: Suicidal Tendancies!) when Cas (A/N Her first guest appearance) came thundering into the room like a rhinoceros, thought the spot where Dan was standing looked like a good one, charged over to the spot and took it. Dan went sailing out of the window, and with a bit of luck,(A/N If you call it luck) landed on Mark Lestrange, who was trying to fly away from school on his broomstick. Lestrange died…  
  
"Bitch, that's another one of my friends you've killed off, now!" said Sev to the ceiling.  
  
(A/N You mean the last one of your friends? *cackles evilly because she has complete power!* That's the way life goes, you have to live in Gryffindor and make Gryffindors your mates now!)  
  
"Aw, mouldy bulls***!  
  
(A/N Watch your language.)  
  
…and Dan got temporary brain damage (A/N which he already had) and had to go into special care at St. Mungo's for the Mentally Deprived and stays there for the whole fic.  
  
There, mousetrap death number one, caused by mousetraps and a charging rhinoceros. Review pleeez! Chiz! 


	4. Sev gets put in his place by a psycho bi...

Disclaimer: As I have said countless times this story (A/N Four) I Do not own any of the mental psychopaths featured in this story, J.K does. Except Cas. And the Mousetraps.  
  
  
  
"Noooooo Dan!" cried Peter.  
  
"It's O.k, he was never very good in the flying lessons." Said Sirius.  
  
"Sirius, this is not a time to joke, and that joke was crap!" complained Peter.  
  
"For your information, it's ALWAYS a time to joke, but yeah, that joke WAS pretty lame."  
  
"Cas, what did you just do?" asked Lily, who had come into the room after Cas.  
  
"Knocked the bastard out of the window. Why?" The insane bitch cackled.  
  
"Because she thinks it strange that the author of this story put a charging rhino in Gryffindor Tower!" sneered Sev, but he wasn't happy for long, because Cas jumped on him and started to beat the crap out of him, mainly aiming for his balls.  
  
(A/N OUCH!!!!)  
  
"OUCH!!!!" yelled Sev.  
  
(A/N I just said that.)  
  
"I know. Do you think the kind, loving author will remove the mental bitch from beating the crap out of my …?"  
  
(A/N Don't even think about saying it, and no, she won't)  
  
"Thought not!" And he curled up in agony.  
  
"You know," said James thoughtfully, "We ought to get Cas to beat the crap out of Sev more often!"  
  
"Yeah, but if he's ever gonna leave Gryffindor alive, then we're gonna need to destroy the mousetraps" said Sirius.  
  
"The most effective way of destroying them is to use a complex potion with ingredients that can only be found in Serrint's office." Remus said, receiving six looks of horror. (A/N Cas temporarily stopped killing Sev) "Then again, it's easier to step on them." The werewolf continued. (A/N Cas started killing Sev again.)  
  
And they set about making plans to save the world from mousetraps. (A/N Yeah right! They were pissing around transfiguring socks into quills. NO, DON'T ASK…!)  
  
  
  
This chapter is short, as in really short. Don't worry, next chapter will be longer, I promise!  
  
Review, please! I am aiming to have five reviews at least before I write chapter 5. 


	5. Sev and I Argue and Something Strange Ha...

Sev rounded the corner to the Potions classroom.  
  
"No, I didn't" The greasy haired git complained.  
  
(A/N Yes you did, so shut up)  
  
Anyway, after reluctantly (on pain of death) rounding the corner to the Potions classroom, he ran into Arthur Weasley, a prefect a couple of years older than him.  
  
"Shit" he said, for he and Arthur Weasley were not the best of friends.  
  
"What are you doing here, Snape?" The prefect asked suspiciously.  
  
"Walking." Answered the Slytherin. Untruthfully, for he was in fact running for the sole purpose of escaping Cas, who's new hobby was Sev-Killing.  
  
"Well, why didn't you say that earlier?" He asked the author.  
  
(A/N . MUAHAHAHAHA YOU LIVE IN MY WORLD DO YOU HEAR ME? MY WORLD!!!!)  
  
"Ooookay, who forgot to take her medication this morning?" Sev asked, backing away from the ceiling. Arthur looked at him as though he would rather have been sorted in to Gryffinclaw than stay another millisecond with the psycho standing next to him.  
  
"That's GRYFFINDOR, birdbrain. The prats you are making me room with." Sev snarled.  
  
(A/N Ah, yes. My wonderful plot in a story I haven't updated since my brain was stolen.)  
  
"Yeah, great, whatever. These reviewers have paid to see mousetraps and me being tortured, not the ramblings of a deranged lunatic." Complained the miscreant. He turbaned.  
  
(A/N Turbaned? What the-? AH! I don't have control of this story anymore, the sugar does.)  
  
.the author apologises and corrects her mistake to: turned and saw Arthur Weasely running as fast as he could in the opposite direction.  
  
"Well, that soon sorted him out." He muttered darkly, as he skipped up to Gryffindor tower, absentmindedly trying to subdue a mousetrap that was trying to subdue him.  
  
"By the way, asshole, arsehole, or however you spell it. I don't do skipping."  
  
(A/N Ya, ya, shut it, Kartoffelkoff.)  
  
"How dare you call me Potato Head in German?"  
  
(A/N Oh, I dare, Merde-Tete)  
  
"And Shit Head in French?"  
  
(A/N Look where you're going, you cloth eared git.)  
  
Sev was so busy holding a furious argument with the ceiling, that he didn't notice when he ran right into the Fat Lady and near cracked his head open.  
  
"Ouch." He said  
  
(A/N No, duh)  
  
"Sorry, dear. Ouch is not the password." said the Fat Lady unnecessarily.  
  
"You mean because you wanted at least one crap joke to put in this story to make it a humor fic, huh?" Sev accused the author.  
  
(A/N *blushes* ingrate)  
  
"Anyway, the passwords Kill me Kwick." Sev told the Fat Lady.  
  
"You mean Kiss me Kwick, dear?" said the painting.  
  
"I know what I mean."  
  
The painting swung over and Sev walked in to the Gryffindor Tower and was immediately glomped by.  
  
"Quirrell!" The Slytherin shouted in alarm. "What the hell are you doing here? I thought you had brain damage and were at St. Mungo's!"  
  
(A/N The author wishes to take this note not to insult Severus Snape, but to say that she disregarded what she said earlier and brought Quirrell back, just because he's such a cool character.)  
  
"Yay." Said Sev Sarcastically, for her and Quirrell didn't really get along so great.  
  
(A/N Like it or hate it)  
  
"Hate it more than like it." Complained Snake.  
  
(A/N .must.control.sugar.rush.)  
  
"Hiya, Severus, are ya pleased to see me?" asked the 'at-the-moment-hyper' Quirrell.  
  
"Not really, no." Turning to the author, the slimy freak asked "What happened to his st-st-stutter? And what the heck was that for?"  
  
(A/N His stutter vanished back into the Heavens of 'Who cares' world (Trust me, by the end of this fic you WILL care) and I gave you a stammer for no particular reason at all, apart from to get the sadistic pleasure from it.)  
  
"Twisted, aren't you?"  
  
(A/N As a matter of fact, yes.)  
  
"Hi, Sev." The werewolf looked up from about a ton of work in the corner. Sev ddin't bother to respond. Pettigrew smiled and waved for no good reason, apart from the fact that he was happy.  
  
Black wasn't in any fit state to greet the Slytherin as he walked into the dorms, as Potter was sitting on top of him. Peter rushed to help subdue the highly peeved black haired menace,, but appeared to be of no help, as he was kicked in a rather unmentionable place.  
  
"Give it back, Sirius. Now, or Peter goes out of the window and I'll kick you again." James snarled. Peter squeaked and ran off to hide under the bed. Lupin didn't bother to look up from his work. Maybe this sort of thing happened too often. Dan Quirrell apologised for his roommates' behaviour and tried to wrest them apart.  
  
"What the fuck is going on?" Sev asked in a kind of pissed off voice. He was so busy being angry with the immature Gryffindors that he only noticed that there was a mousetrap behind him when it bit him on the arse.  
  
(A/N Can mousetraps bite? Oh well.)  
  
His cry of pain and humiliation was load enough to disturb the entire Hogwarts. It was so loud that it actually caused a lull in the fighting. Not a very big one, mind. Lupin looked up, shocked, and rushed over to Sev's aid.  
  
"Are you ok?" He asked the now pissed - to - heck Slytherin.  
  
"What, apart from the fact that a supposedly Brain dead boy has come back, all of my friends are dead, I am in hiding to save myself being murdered by a psychopath bitch, I am rooming in a mentally unstable dorm, my worst enemies look about to kill each other then move on to me and I have just been bitten on the arse by a mutant mousetrap from hell? Yeah, I'm ok." Sev growled.  
  
"I'm sorry I asked." Remus told the pessimist.  
  
There was a knock at the door. James hastily got off Sirius, Sirius hastily got up, Peter came out from under the bed, Remus ran back and continued with his work and Sev hurried and behind the door. Receiving apprehensive glances from his roommates, Siriuswalked slowly over to the door and opened it.  
  
The six boys yelled in horror, and then the world went black as they blissfully fainted away.  
  
(A/N Aren't I wicked? You'll have to wait until next chapter before you can see who ~~ or what ~~ is at the door. I promise you, though, it is NOT McGonagall or Dumbledore in a bikini, thank god!!!) 


	6. Where Is This Story Going, The Pub?

When the six boys and two girls, who somehow eluded fainting, so I put them in anyway, (thanks for pointing that out, Slytherin Gal) regained consciousness, they were in a very dark room.  
  
"Ouchie." Said Lupin, having had a nasty blow on the head.  
  
"MMmmMMMMmmmMM" a voice came out of the darkness. "Werewolf. The other other white meat."  
  
Lily, Cas and Sev (who in my mental universe didn't already know about Remy's lyconthrapy) backed away from the boy nervously.  
  
"I do not back away nervously." Sev told the author contemptuously. "I flat out run for my life."  
  
"Do you like terrorising people?" Remus called to the person/thing terrorising him.  
  
"It's a hobby." Said the voice. A person stepped out of the darkness and gave the group a swift, sad smile.  
  
"Must apologise about Mr. Egomaniac's behaviour." The girl said. "He forgot to take his pills this morning."  
  
An indignant answer pierced the air  
  
"Excuse me!?! I forgot to take my pills? Lookie, little girly, and ya may recognise some of these people."  
  
The girl looked closer and screamed when her eyes rested on Sev.  
  
"Yeah. I know." Said Sirius. "The sight of his face is enough to make anyone scream." Sev smacked him. The girl smashed her head twice against the wall, then pinched herself and looked back at the group.  
  
"Damn!" She snarled. " I'd hoped I was dreaming."  
  
"So was I." Sirius said in a stage whisper that everyone could here. Sev smacked him again.  
  
"Quit smacking me, arsewit!" Black growled.  
  
"Quit deserving it then." Snape growled back.  
  
The girl, who had not yet introduced herself, looked closely at Sev. Very closely.  
  
"Don't go too close, girl. In the interests of personal hygiene, don't go too close!" James said mockingly. Sev frowned.  
  
"Please tell these pricks to stop pissing me off." He told the ceiling. The girl looked at him.  
  
"Does he always do that?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah. Commenting to some unseen author person who lives in heaven." Remus told her.  
  
(A/N .MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I LIVE IN HELL AND WAS SENT BY THE ONE CALLED 'I AM.')  
  
"I heard that." Sev muttered darkly.  
  
(A/N MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SATAN CHOSE ME AS HIS WIFE BECAUSE I WAS THE ONLY ONE STUPID ENOUGH TO APPLY TO LIVE IN HELL FOR ETERNITY!!!)  
  
"Hear hear." Said Sev. The girl looked at him again, and silence ensued.  
  
"P-professor. Professor Snape?" She asked fearfully.  
  
In the instants that followed, three things happened: Sev fainted, Remus and Quirrell started giggling insanely and the rest just looked at the girl like she was nuts.  
  
(A/N Ay)  
  
"What?" She asked them. James groaned and smacked Remus and Quirrell, who were doubled up in fits of hysterical laughter.  
  
"What's so funny?" He asked. Remus was too hysterical to answer, so Dan answered for him.  
  
"We worked it out. Whatsername here is obviously from the future, so in the future Sev is a teacher at Hogwarts."  
  
"God!" said Peter. "That doesn't bear thinking about"  
  
"I'm guessing he teaches Potions and is Head of Slytherin, huh, Sirius?" chuckled Remus.  
  
"Oh, Lord! Is this another one of those fics where I go back in time and end up falling in love with Remus or Sirius or Snape? Good grief!" The girl stormed.  
  
(A/N You know it. Not that you can hear me, of course. Only Sev can hear me. Unfortunately as that may be)  
  
"I'm Hermione Granger by the way." Said the girl, so now I can stop calling her 'the girl.'  
  
"Hermeeoninny?" asked Peter stupidly. Hermione looked at him as though he were a lump of shit.  
  
"Hermione."  
  
"Oh." Said Peter, still not getting it.  
  
(A/N Why am I getting déjà-vu here? Oh yes. Someone can't say Hermione. God's sake, it's not that hard.)  
  
At that moment Sev woke up and glared at Hermione.  
  
"Hello? Who is the person terrorising us who forgot to take his pills?" Remus asked.  
  
The six boys and three girls looked expectantly into the dark, swirling mists of Wherever-They-Where. And, right on cue, out of the shadows stepped.....  
  
"Dumbledore?"  
  
  
  
(A/N I don't know where this story's going. I really don't. I'm not even typing it anymore, the Red Bull is. MmmMMmMMmM. Red Bull. the other white drink.) 


	7. Dark Helmet, the Lord of all the Cheeses...

"Dumbledore?"  
  
What Remus saw looked incredibly like the old geezer with his 3 foot long beard, but it may not have been. It was in fact a small elf like creature with big googly eyes and a pillowcase. Sev recognised it immediately, being good friends with the Malfoys.  
  
"DOBBY???"  
  
Then, Sev rolled his eyes at the ceiling.  
  
"Dobby hasn't been born yet, Prickhead."  
  
(A/N ... He's insulted me enough now. I'm going to have to bring the twins in.)  
  
"NOT THE TWINS!!!"  
  
(A/N Yes the twins)  
  
By the way, Dobby or whatever was Dumbledore, I was just trying to throw you readers off balance.  
  
Sirius looked at Sev, who was shaking in a heap on the floor and sobbing, and nudged the asshole with his foot.  
  
"Piss off"  
  
"What is up with you, Sev?"  
  
"Piss off"  
  
"..."  
  
At that moment two people stepped out of the darkness in that dark dark room in the dark dark cellar where the skeletons live, but that's another story. One had grey eyes and light brown hair and was a chaser, the other had black eyes, black hair and was a beater.  
  
"Justine?" The Marauders shouted at the first one, the grey eyed one.  
  
"Rene?" Sev shouted at the other.  
  
"YOU SLUTS GO FIND YOUR OWN BOYFRIENDS!!!" Lily yelled, then blushed as James said:  
  
"But she's going out with Remus."  
  
These are the twins.  
  
"No shit" said Sev, fending off Rene who was hugging him madly, surprising for an evil Death Eater Slytherin.  
  
(A/N Watch your language or I'll send Artemisa in as well!)  
  
"I'LL BE GOOD!!!"  
  
James turned to Dumbledore.  
  
"Why did you kidnap us?" he asked the kindly Professor, but Dumbledore was not himself.  
  
"To hand you over to the almighty Lord Dark Helmet, alias RICK MORANIS!!!" Dumbledore held up one of those Jerry Springer signs that says applause as the Spaceball leader walked in, breathing through his overlarge helmet and getting stuck in the door.  
  
"BUGGER! NOT AGAIN!" Was the cry he gave out.  
  
"Lord Helmet," Dumbledore continued, pointing at the Darth Vader spoof, "Is the king of the mousetraps and organiser of TAMEO. He started it to calm his nerves, lower his blood pressure and prevent himself from having a nervous breakdown after his ship was destroyed by Lone Starr."  
  
"By the way," Justine told them in between harassing Sev and dishing out horrible punishment to the latter, "Lord Helmet is a hidden joke from Spaceballs the movie, so see it if you want to understand this chapter."  
  
(A/N I'm sorry, I couldn't resist)  
  
"You will all be taken into custody." Commanded the Almighty Lord Helmet, "And will serve there until the mousetraps in my armies are ready to convert you or brainwash you. They are a bit tied up at the moment, having brainwashed Dumbledore and all of the Slytherin third-years."  
  
Dumbledore just gave them a blank look, not unlike Gilded-arse Lock-me-up- in-a-padded-cell-Hart. Dan Quirrell gave a whimper, a hint of his old stutter returning.  
  
"A-a-and what will happen once we've been b-b-brainwashed or...c- converted?" He cried. Lord Helmet raised an eyebrow.  
  
"You should know about brainwashing; you've been brainwashed. But if you're converted, like Dumbledore, you will be completely under my control and will serve in the TAMEO armies until your deaths. TAKE THEM AWAY!!! Gee, I've always wanted to say that!"  
  
As Dumbledore lead them all, the Marauders, Sev, Lily, Cas, Hermione and the twins, down the corridor, Sev raised an eyebrow at the ceiling.  
  
"You've been very quiet this chapter."  
  
(A/N Putting all my energy in the twins)  
  
"Yeah, right."  
  
(A/N Ok. I wanted to add to the tension, ok?"  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
(A/N And I was planning your fates)  
  
"Oh, thanks a lot. You haven't told me everything, have you?"  
  
(A/N FINE!!! I WORSHIP LORD HELMET, OK??? YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS TORTURE, SEVERUS SNAPE, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU PAY!!!)  
  
And while the greasy-haired-git laughed quietly to himself, the authoress hid in a dark corner, plotting revenge. 


	8. Ice Cream Soda?

In the little cellar place where everyone from Hogwarts had been stuffed, the atmosphere was headed towards two things: Escape and food!  
  
"What would I do for a Bolognese?" Moaned Sirius, massaging his stomach.  
  
"I dunno, what would you do for a Bolognese?" Asked James.  
  
"Not funny."  
  
Basically, for three days, the Almighty Lord Dark Helmet had forgotten their existence and they were starving to death. This was the revenge the author had planned because Sev pissed her of in a 'dramatic' chapter.  
  
"Thanks" Sev said, being sarky.  
  
(A/N Mninng! Mninng! Mninng! HEE HEE HEE!!!)  
  
"..."  
  
I think Sev was a little scared by my hallucinatory comments back there. Well, anyhow, they were discussing their favorite foods, and Justine somehow got onto Ice Cream Soda, which was the name of one of the many people she stalked.  
  
(A/N That's not right. She's going out with Remus!)  
  
"She's your character. She is your inner soul." Sev responded.  
  
(A/N Shut your trap. What are you, some sort of rebel psychiatrist?)  
  
"No, I'm a student in a wreck of school that can't even withstand Mousetraps."  
  
(A/N Chew yer gum!)  
  
"Got none"  
  
(A/N Screw yer Mom!)  
  
"Don't be sick"  
  
"I want Ice Cream Soda!" whined Peter like the whiny thing he is. Hang on, the arsewit whined, dinne? Ohohoh, Petee, ya crabsmeat! You know, spellcheck doesn't recognise any of these words I'm putting, but lets not go there.  
  
"I still want Ice Cream Soda" Peter said whingingly after about a minute had passed and he got no response.  
  
Rene raised an eyebrow  
  
"Ice Cream Soda is 29, gay and a paedophile who wants Justine to be his love slave. Actually, Justine disappears every Friday evening with the excuse 'Going for a Soda' and comes back with hair messed up and top button undone." She stated, matter-of-factly.  
  
"That's sick!" Hermione retorted.  
  
"Justine, you're my girlfriend!" Remus moaned. Justine gave him the 'I'm- sorry-he-kidnapped-me' look.  
  
"Ok... I don't want Ice Cream Soda" Peter blanched.  
  
"Justine does"  
  
"By the way," Justine told the readers, "Ice Cream Soda doesn't exist, so don't start asking homosexual child-abusers down your street if they know the Harry Potter characters, ok?"  
  
"Ice Cream Soda doesn't exist?" asked Sirius, horror-struck. "But I had a glass the other day!  
  
"The man, you fatass, not the Ice Cream Soda!"  
  
"I'm confused." Complained Quirrell. "Which is the paedophile and which is the Soda?"  
  
"Being confused isn't hard for you, is it Quirrell?" sneered Sev.  
  
(A/N Ay!)  
  
"Oh, shut up!"  
  
(A/N That was Quirrell pissing Sev, not Sev pissing me or vice - versa.)  
  
"There isn't really a difference, is there?"  
  
(A/N Oh, shut up!)  
  
"I rest my case!"  
  
(A/N Who needs you with yer smart fat ass and yer small small brain?)  
  
"Correct that mistake now."  
  
(A/N Sorry. My bad. Your ass is waaaaay tight.)  
  
"Better."  
  
(A/N THAT DON'T MEAN I FANCY YA, ARSEHEAD!!!)  
  
Sev raised an eyebrow at his cellamtes.  
  
"She's got asses on the brain"  
  
"I always knew donkeys were bad for you" said Quirrell offhandedly. At that moment, my fiancé Lord Dark Helmet strode imperiously in and raised his Helmet, condemming the group to not starve and saying food was along in a minute.  
  
"Oh joy!" said Sev sarcastically. "You sure took your time."  
  
"Aux Gourmet." Said Lord Helmet, ignoring the bastard. "Baked Bean Fricassee" He tossed a single baked bean into the cellar and left.  
  
Everyone was fighting over who got the baked bean, and the poor bean was discarded on the side while the fight took place. Only Quirrell noticed when the Mousetrap guard stole the bean and ate it.  
  
(A/N Mousetraps can eat??? Oh well...)  
  
"SODDING THING!!!" Quirrell yelled, breaking out from the fight. "BASTARD! SLIMY SCUM!!!"  
  
"I DIDN'T DO NOTHING YET!!!" Complained Sev, automatically thinking Quirrell was referring to him.  
  
(A/N No such luck)  
  
"NOT YOU!!! THE DAMN MOUSETRAP ATE OUR BEAN!!!"  
  
And the chapter finishes with a conspiracy to squish the evil mousetrap that ate the sacred baked bean.  
  
(A/N heh heh heh...) 


	9. The Action REALLY Begins, With A Bit Of ...

My Lord and commander Dark Helmet brought another thing to the cellar where Too-Many-Teenagers-To-Count now await the meal that the mousetrap is NOT going to eat for them...  
  
"Stop rambling." Grumbled Sev. "Get on with it."  
  
(A/N This guy is beginning to grind my final nerve)  
  
With all the energy he had left, which was hardly any, Sev got up to face the author.  
  
"Bring it on, Tweedass!"  
  
(A/N Tweedass? You will pay for making up an insult! Only the supreme Lord Dark Helmet is allowed to make up insults!)  
  
"Stop, extremist!" Said Sev, but the author was already having her much needed revenge! He was going down with a nasty bug. All that could save him? FOOD!  
  
Well, back to the story line, Lord Dark Helmet brought a ragged piece of cloth down to the cellar and chucked it in laughing and commenting that food may be down tomorrow if he could resurrect the cook.  
  
"The Sorting Hat?" Sirius looked at it with disgust. You couldn't eat it so it wasn't worth his attention.  
  
But Sev's mouth was watering.  
  
"Severus, what the hell is wrong with you?" Asked Rene on seeing this. Before Sev could answer, however, a 29-year-old half oriental man with wavy black hair materialised looking vaguely confused.  
  
"ICE CREAM SODA!" Screamed Justine. Remus groaned.  
  
"Why? Just when I had my girlfriend all to myself, why did this person have to materialize?"  
  
Ice Cream Soda looked at Justine.  
  
"Hi Juss. Where am I and what happened to the strip club I was at five minutes ago?" He asked. Justine blanched.  
  
"Strip club?" She killed the bastard for two timing her.  
  
(A/N Damn, but he had a nice arse!)  
  
"Quit it, asshole. Or I'll eat the Sorting Hat" Sev moaned, his illness driving him insane.  
  
"You should have been a Slytherin!" The Sorting Hat complained.  
  
"He is." Remus told it.  
  
(A/N Well, it would have been a poor lookout for Death Eaters of the world had he been a bloody Hufflepuff!)  
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sev retorted.  
  
(A/N Whatever you want it to mean)  
  
Lupin, noticing the body of Ice Cream Soda on the floor, felt his wolf instincts get the better of him in his hunger and started eating it. Hermione shrugged and joined in.  
  
(A/N Sev was too busy trying to eat the Sorting Hat...)  
  
Sev couldn't answer the author, having got a mouth full of hat.  
  
Suddenly, Ice Cream Soda's body vanished and The Lord of All The Cheeses, alias Dark Helmet, came in bearing cheese and a formidable looking mousetrap. In that instant, Cas vanished because she was bored and isn't really important in the plot anymore.  
  
"Here. Eat the cheese and report to me when you are done" The Cheesemaster ordered. Everyone agreed, even Sev, who was desperate to get rid of his vaguely irritating illness that was driving him mad.  
  
"Wow. How did you know I liked Portsalut?" asked Lily, savouring the name of her favorite cheese, which was, by coincidence, the author's favourite as well.  
  
(A/N Try it melted! It's divine!)  
  
"This is us being tortured, not you trading cooking tips with your readers!" Sev complained. The author, subdued by this news, carried on typing.  
  
When everyone was fed and cheesed, Dark Helmet introduced the formidable looking mousetrap.  
  
"This is {Insert Mousetrap Name Here}. He will be the one to brainwash and/or convert you." He told them, and then he left.  
  
(A/N DAMN! By the way, about the mousetrap name, my inspiration has left me and I can't think of one, so...)  
  
{Insert Mousetrap Name Here} smiled (A/N if mousetraps can smile) at the group before turning on Hermione who was nearest. Hermione clung to Sev, for some reason, and then the prophecy was fulfilled.  
  
"This IS one of those fics where I go back in time and end up falling in love with Remus or Sirius or Snape! I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH SNAPE?!?!? GOD HELP ME!!! GOD HELP US ALL!!!" She cried, while clinging on to her lover.  
  
Sev looked horrified (as did Sirius and Remus) and tried to shake her off, but she was more persistent than a limpet at mating season.  
  
"You fell in love with Snape?" Sirius asked, shocked. "Remus is taken but I'm free! What about me?"  
  
Sev somehow succeeded in throwing the horny limpet off him and Hermione was taken by {Insert Mousetrap Name Here}.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Please, NOOOOOOOOO!!!" She begged, as the mousetrap pried into her brain and took her away to live where Dumbledore and the converted Slytherin third years lived.  
  
The others in the cellar looked on in horror, apart from Sev, who had been temporarily blinded after having a hairpin rammed into his eyes by an enraged Sirius. (Who blamed him for stealing his 'girlfriend')  
  
(A/N Shhh! Don't tell! He fancies Hermione!)  
  
Sirius had disregarded the fact that Snape was already going out with Rene and forced the hairpin into both of his eyes anyway. How kind.  
  
Sev staggered around blindly, not noticing {Insert Mousetrap Name Here} who was waiting behind him, ready to take him to his doom.  
  
(A/N I said I'd have revenge! All you others, watch out! The wrath of Severus Snape is here, even if he is blind for a week or so. Wow this story is going to be fun. I love blinding Snape, it's so... relaxing...)  
  
Snape swore at the ceiling before running sightlessly into a wall and losing consciousness.  
  
{Insert Mousetrap Name Here} closed in for the not-quit-kill-but-comes- pretty-close...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
CLIFFHANGER!!! See you all next chapter! 


	10. Attention! Please Take The First Exit On...

{Insert Mousetrap Name Here} closed in on Sev, who was conveniently still unconscious. Rene leapt forward.  
  
"Not Severus! Please, not Severus!" She cried.  
  
(A/N This is a humor fic. It's starting to sound like a bloody late-night drama. Ok, blind-boy, let's see what this mousetrap can do)  
  
Sev suddenly regained consciousness but still couldn't see. The mousetrap (Random A/N I decided to call it Snappy) pried into his brain but the mental images it saw were so disturbing that it decided to leave Sev for last.  
  
(A/N What the fuck was going on in his brain anyhow?)  
  
"That is my business and mine alone!" Sev snarled indignantly before clothes-lining into Sirius's outstretched arm.  
  
"Got him!" Said Sirius. The he noticed the mousetrap clinging on his nose trying to brainwash him.  
  
"Get the fuck off my nose, you mousetrapasshole!" He yelled, swinging the irate mousetrap round in circles until it was dizzy enough to say 'I've been drinking tequilas for 3 hours but I'm not yet unconscious! *thud*'  
  
"Siri! Watch it!" Cried Daniel (Dan) Slatero Quirrell.  
  
(A/N Funny full name! Funny full name! Funny ... ok, I'll shut up now. *mumbles* spoilsports*)  
  
The Cheesemaster, standing behind Black and concealed in shadow to everyone but eagle-eye Quirrell, bludgeoned the future-Azkaban-resident into unconsciousness with a blunt object much resembling a spoon.  
  
"He was annoying me anyway." The dairy-product commented to his mousetrap, dragging the prone figure away to his not-so-long-lost-converted- girlfriend.  
  
Sev chose that moment to wake up but not recover his eyesight. The recovery was much hindered as the hairpin was currently sticking out of his eye.  
  
(A/N I'm surprised he hasn't noticed yet. Mind you, he is pretty thick...)  
  
"Shut up, you. Anyway. What have I missed?" The prat head asked brightly. He assessed the silence that followed as 'Ha ha ha. Really funny joke. Asshole'  
  
(A/N in a sarcastic tone, of course.)  
  
"Of course" said Sev, for once agreeing with the author.  
  
(A/N! OH GOOD GOD! WHERE'S THE CAMERA! I NEED A CAMERA!)  
  
Sev tried in vain to think up a witty comeback but in the end settled for  
  
"What's a camera?"  
  
While the author was regaining her sense of direction, time, sight, taste and humoressness, Snappy the really annoying tequila-addict mousetrap came back and did a three- in - one combo, taking Lily, Rene and Justine to oblivion.  
  
"That is one hell of a strong mousetrap." Stated Remus sadly, watching James clinging to Lily's foot, screaming something about mallets, cult memberz and lawsuits.  
  
"You spelt members with a 'z'." Sev 'helpfully pointed out'  
  
(A/N Yes! I KNOW! It's supposed to!)  
  
"Jesus Christ! Keep your hair on! Or you'll be... uh... bald!"  
  
For some reason the author did not drop dead with shock or start crying on the floor because of this amazing and stinging comeback, so Sev let it drop.  
  
(A/N I knew you'd see sense)  
  
Silence.  
  
(A/N Oh, yeah, you let it drop, didn't you?)  
  
Silence.  
  
(A/N... let's get on with the story)  
  
So now, there were only Dan Quirrell, Sev Snape and Remy Lupin left to be brainwashed. Peter Pettigrew, the slimy backstabbing bastard, had been hypnotised by the divine smell of cheese and enticed away somewhere near the first chapter. Ok, I just don't like him! Happy now?  
  
"The mousetrap's gonna come back!" Quirrell whimpered, kindly performing a charm that healed Sev's eyes in this moment of extreme tension. Sev actually thanked the cute twitchy dude before clothes-lining into the wall in jubilation and earning a splitting headache. He staggered around aimlessly, clutching his head.  
  
"Bit early for hangover, isn't it?" Asked Remus absent-mindedly, peering closely at the wall and tapping various stones with his wand.  
  
"Shut up, Lupin. Why are you cursing the wall?" Sev sneered. "I mean, what's it ever done to you?"  
  
Remus ignored him so Quirrell answered.  
  
"Existed."  
  
Before Sev could strangle the cute stuttery twitchy guy, (Random A/N I ADDED ANOTHER WORD! I mean, I've widened my vocabulary!) there came a yell of happiness from the direction of the wall. Remus appeared from over there somewhere, looking flustered, muddy-to-the-extent-of-swallowing-the-stuff and extremely happy.  
  
"I've done it! I've found a way out!" 


End file.
